
sarah
Five non-essential admissions:
1. I am frightened of going blind. Sometimes I cross my eyes and try to do day-to-day tasks like that as a way of testing how I would respond to sudden double vision. When I have panic attacks, it feels like my vision is tunneling. I get scared when I’m driving along freeways that my eyes will stop working and I’ll crash.
2. Sometimes when I get premenstrual, I get so deeply, viscerally angry at tiny things that I want to pick fights with strangers so I can punch them as hard as I can. I once kicked a rubbish bin outside the VCA until I dented it and people looked at me like I’d gone crazy. I tried Googling whether increased testosterone could be part of PMS but couldn’t find a definitive answer. I wonder whether this is what it feels like to be a man.
3. If I knew I was dying, I would take heroin, sleep with strangers and probably commit suicide (not necessarily in that order). I don’t understand people who say ‘Don’t be morbid.’ I think that thinking about death all the time is totally sensible. I mean, shit. It’s going to happen. Might as well be prepared.
4. I am more attracted to men with long fingers and I wonder whether it’s because I equate this with penis size. This has, in my experience, been a reasonably accurate indicator.
5. I pray for safety on every plane I get on, not because I believe in God, but because I’m worried that the one time I don’t do it will be the one time the plane goes down. I am more scared of mid-air turbulence than taking off and landing, even though the vast majority of crashes happen during those times. I still think that flying into a sunrise is the most beautiful thing you can do while sitting down.
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