Banana eating for beginners:
Step one: Stand in front of your shelf in the pantry and try to will some sort of packaged snackfood to appear.
Step two: Upon failure of packaged snackfood to appear, notice solitary banana. Wonder how long banana has been there. Inspect banana for squishiness or blackness. Decide that banana is edible.
Step three: Open banana from the stem end. Immediately reminder Buzzfeed article explaining that this is the WRONG way to open a banana, and that monkeys know that, and that you’ve been doing it incorrectly all your life and god, how could you be so stupid, you are less intelligent than a monkey when it comes to banana opening (although possibly more intelligent in the realm of crossword puzzles).
Step four: Raise banana to lips. Immediately think of cocks. Almost as immediately feel a sort of feminist disappointment at yourself for thinking of cocks. Get into a confusing sort of out-of-body perve experience with yourself, where one half of you is thinking ‘Yeah, put it in your mouth’ and the other half of you just wants to eat a goddamn banana. Wonder whether this is you internalizing the male gaze.
Step five: Find a stringy bit of banana peel on the banana. Think back to the Buzzfeed article explaining about how this wouldn’t happen if you opened a banana properly.
Step six: Register that this banana is not particularly ripe. Marvel at how this banana could possibly be unripe, given that it has been sitting in the pantry for at least a week. Consider the fact that bananas are good at ripening other food. Wonder whether you need two bananas working in tandem to ripen each other.
Step seven: Discard banana peel into compost bin. Feel mildly smug about compost bin. Hold banana in left hand. Think about cocks again. Wonder how much banana porn exists. Imagine a montage of the places it would be possible to insert a banana. Feel mildly unwell. Finish banana. Wallow in existential dread.