This is everything that Tom said across fifteen drunken minutes in my kitchen.
I can’t –
I love that line that NASA won’t allow him to go to NASA because his wife’s a stripper. They’re like ‘You can’t go to NASA because your wife’s a stripper. You’re like the smartest person on earth but you can’t go to NASA because your wife’s a stripper.’
The worst film director of all time!
It’s true. Independence Day was his piece de resistance, and he –
Because he gave Batman nipples?
You studied Batman and Robin at uni? Welcome to higher education!
We had cool ones too. Apocalypse Now, my favourite film.
It’s the first film that had actual sex in cinema. Romance.
It wasn’t like, porno, it was –
Yes, but it was actual sex. Instead of a ‘sex scene’ it was actual sex.
Your dad’s like ‘Yeah!’
Yeah, Lars von Trier’s the shit. I really like his movies. I like the way he puts movies together. He’s a good director.
It’s true, actually. He basically invented a whole genre.
He made one movie and everyone was like ‘You can’t do that’, and he went and wrote this manifesto and –
Actually, when you put you two together, it’s infuriating.
Steph and Celeste sit through any kind of film or television show and talk about the cultural relevance of the actor on the show, and the people those actors are dating, and then they think they should get back to the plot, and then I have to explain the plot, and then they get back to the film, and then they’re like ‘Look at that dress.’
Oh, Marie. There was this amazing moment where this guy got shot in the face, and his brain sprays all over the back wall, and she turns to me and says ‘He’s dead.’
I KNOW HE’S DEAD, MARIE. HIS BRAINS ARE ALL OVER THE BACK WALL.
And then she asks hundreds of questions, which are totally pointless, like ‘Why do you think he’s wearing those pants?’ I don’t know, Marie, someone from the costume department picked them out.
With Richard Gere?
No you weren’t.
Richard Gere’s, because you could probably slip her out, cos another one’s been in there. It’s probably set itself up in there, with a fireplace or something.
That is not a concern I have day to day. ‘Man, there’s all these girls hitting on me. I wish I was camp.’ What the fuck?
I don’t know. I don’t know. You shouldn’t have brought this up! We’d almost moved on!
I said something weird and I didn’t know what I’d said.
Oh, this is how the laughing starts. Oh, fake laugh. Bullshit, that’s a fake laugh.
That’s her fake laugh! No, I know!
Can I have an almond? I wanted you to throw it, but I’ll take it out of your hand. Whoa, not aggressively!
That’s tobacco on my crotch.
Where is the almond, then? The almond is the same colour as the floor. Thank you.
Oh, when you and Kate laugh at each other, it’s the most annoying fucking –
The joy’s gone.
Holy shit, yeah.
She folds up with laughter, so we’re like ‘No, she’s good. We think.’
‘The day the music –‘
Do you like –
You should have a comedy show!
What’s the comedian that’s like – he died from a drug overdose – yeah. It’s like you’re trying to be Mitch Hedberg and failing.
That’s a genius feat of simple engineering.
Go on. Extrapolate this thought. Danny’s soul is like Forrest Gump. No, please explain.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Just go back.
What?! ‘He was super hero, super head, super powers’?!
What is ‘super head, super powers?’ And how is Danny’s soul like this?
I think the point of the film is that history evolves, no matter who has a spin on history.
‘Quantum physics? Fuck that shit! I’ll write a happy Christmas story that stars Tom Hanks.’
That’s what Carl Sagan did just before he died.
Go on, ‘So the other day’?
Tell us a joke, Nick. Tell us the Contact joke.
‘It’s the shit you put on exercise books!’ For fuck’s sake, Nick! I heard you say it!
My ball sac is vagina lips. That’s what happens. Your clitoris is my penis – oh, no! No, not mine!
I’m retiring to drunkenness.
But James Bond wouldn’t screencap it!
Taken? You’d kill everyone.
But it’s not even that! ‘I’ll tell you!’ and boom – he’s dead. ‘Because I’m Liam Neeson and my daughter was kidnapped. ‘
It’s like Liam Neeson kills Europe. If you replace that with the title of the film, you get a good idea of it.
Seriously, everyone who breathes near Liam Neeson gets their neck snapped.